blah blah blah.. humdrum..

ya well it's a new life for me.. I'm tryin any way.. I have some new friends.. Will and Jackie and Leanne.. work sux.. I'll try to get this new job.. transition house.. I don't know if I'll like it there but it's worth a try.. or is it?? God I'm soo lost these days?? I have no idea what I really want .. most of the time I just wanna die or like go on vacation or something.. I didn't go to this training session for this job earlier this week and it was for telemarketing stuff and when I didn't go I just got the most horrible sense of dread.. like I'm doomed forthe rest of my life.. So I went back on those anti-depressants.. I tried any way.. It's just that I always think about how much I hate my life.. when I was high for new years it all seemed so lear and I was so deep and calm and now I'm all lost again.. maybe still come down effects?/ could be .. I've been swimming.. it's nice.. but it's like I don't know if it matters that it's nice.. I feel like i'm in terror allthe time.. the only thing I know matters is dancing.. I can feel how great that is.. I love dancing sooooo much.. I'll go both Friday and Saturday this week.. wonder if I should ret or try to practice up?? I guess I 'll be fine if the music is good enough.. keeps me up.. I've been making tracks on (hey writting is making me feel better) on acid pro.. it's fun.. but the same thing.. I wonder if it's a wates of time.. so much doubt.. the book on codependants said we don't take our selves seriously.. I think the sentence"it desn't matter alot." but does it?? does my depression and saddness matter.. do my good qualitie matter.. will I let myself be happy?? can I?? is it ever really too late?/ I felt that way after I didn't go to that interveiw that it was one step toooo far over the line and I could never get back to the happy side again. like I finnally shut the door on anything good in my ife.. it felt so strongly like my last chance and I said "no".. over reacting?? it's not rational.. no one knows the future but if it's an internal shift in me... in my coping.. my depression could win maybe?? what do I do?? am I powerless? I'm not powerless .. I wonder if I know that or if I can just say that.. yup.. I might really be loosing it.. self indulgent and socially anorexic and just too anti-social because of my own hyper judgemental character.. an ability to critizize and not enjoy.. I'm in a weird place.. mood.. life is not how i expected it to be.. I expected to be as happy as I was with Tony forever.. I knew it was good but I didn't think I wouldn't be able to get good again... or can I ? what is possible? what can I do?? am I better than I think?? maybe I'm fine?? how can I decide??make lists and check them twice?
doesn't bathe.. check.
doesn't clean her room.. check.
calls people.. check.
pushes way people that care about her.. check.
fantasizes alot.. check.
abandon's family members.. check.
dances.. check.
goes to work.. check.
"hates" while at work.. check.
swims.. check.

sigh.. I feel better..