today (everyday is the first page of the book of my life..)

I got cried at by Fran this morning.. she said I'm being mean.. a bitch.. she said I don't live enough and I make myself sick with worry.. she said she hated me.. well felt hate.. fuck.. sigh..
then I went to work.. Peter got mad at this global warming article.. pretty fun..
lots of homeless people but also lots of time alone.. I did some different ages stuff .. felt really nice.. helped with my reality is real work..
Brendan called.. invited me for Easter dinner.. didn't go all that well.. don't think I should go tomorrow but I probably will.. he is supposed to be my friend.. but I can't trust him..
Leanne drove me to Corrine's and Lance called.. have to call him back tomorrow..
hung out with Sean the other day.. was lots of fun.. hope I didn't scare him off..
Charlette's disco party was fun.. took lots of pictures.. hope they turn out.. saw Mark..
Alex drove me home and told me Kat and Trevor broke up.. wow..
that was mostly today..
wow.

it never stops.. til I'm dead..

hello,
today is a 6 out of ten.. why.. because I carry secrets.. and I'm sick of it.. and I'm not what some might call self actualized.. I meant to google that.. anyway.. I'm above water because I got a cool poster last night.. and I've been better to myself lately.. I made lasangne and I let myself watch some TV and movies lately for fun.. and I just posted my blog on clubhouse.. I feel good about that..
I still work in changes... I guess I still hate it but the safety aspect is just so nice.. I just have to find something nice and safe now.. not gross and safe.. sigh. I must not dispair though.. life is still a gift.. I better go watch more "six feet under" eh?.. haha I'm so Canadian..

"I love myself today.. not like yesterday."

blah blah blah.. humdrum..

ya well it's a new life for me.. I'm tryin any way.. I have some new friends.. Will and Jackie and Leanne.. work sux.. I'll try to get this new job.. transition house.. I don't know if I'll like it there but it's worth a try.. or is it?? God I'm soo lost these days?? I have no idea what I really want .. most of the time I just wanna die or like go on vacation or something.. I didn't go to this training session for this job earlier this week and it was for telemarketing stuff and when I didn't go I just got the most horrible sense of dread.. like I'm doomed forthe rest of my life.. So I went back on those anti-depressants.. I tried any way.. It's just that I always think about how much I hate my life.. when I was high for new years it all seemed so lear and I was so deep and calm and now I'm all lost again.. maybe still come down effects?/ could be .. I've been swimming.. it's nice.. but it's like I don't know if it matters that it's nice.. I feel like i'm in terror allthe time.. the only thing I know matters is dancing.. I can feel how great that is.. I love dancing sooooo much.. I'll go both Friday and Saturday this week.. wonder if I should ret or try to practice up?? I guess I 'll be fine if the music is good enough.. keeps me up.. I've been making tracks on (hey writting is making me feel better) on acid pro.. it's fun.. but the same thing.. I wonder if it's a wates of time.. so much doubt.. the book on codependants said we don't take our selves seriously.. I think the sentence"it desn't matter alot." but does it?? does my depression and saddness matter.. do my good qualitie matter.. will I let myself be happy?? can I?? is it ever really too late?/ I felt that way after I didn't go to that interveiw that it was one step toooo far over the line and I could never get back to the happy side again. like I finnally shut the door on anything good in my ife.. it felt so strongly like my last chance and I said "no".. over reacting?? it's not rational.. no one knows the future but if it's an internal shift in me... in my coping.. my depression could win maybe?? what do I do?? am I powerless? I'm not powerless .. I wonder if I know that or if I can just say that.. yup.. I might really be loosing it.. self indulgent and socially anorexic and just too anti-social because of my own hyper judgemental character.. an ability to critizize and not enjoy.. I'm in a weird place.. mood.. life is not how i expected it to be.. I expected to be as happy as I was with Tony forever.. I knew it was good but I didn't think I wouldn't be able to get good again... or can I ? what is possible? what can I do?? am I better than I think?? maybe I'm fine?? how can I decide??make lists and check them twice?
doesn't bathe.. check.
doesn't clean her room.. check.
calls people.. check.
pushes way people that care about her.. check.
fantasizes alot.. check.
abandon's family members.. check.
dances.. check.
goes to work.. check.
"hates" while at work.. check.
swims.. check.

sigh.. I feel better..

new job blows..

well worked out fucking great!! I'm soo frustrated!!

and yet at the same time content.. Weird..

no more Brendan.. got along with Will.. Talked to Steve.. Talked to Colin, Steph, Shannon, Mark, Costa, Laurel.. called Charlotte and my sister.. sigh.. I'm trying my best to stay above water.. ahh yes and emailed Kris and Zoli and Msned with Corinne, Alex and JP and Bob.. oh and I went to a buddist meditation.. oh and talked to Lance.. and I threw out some old school stuff and got rid of some books.. and intend to get rid of more books.. and I'm in a craft fair this Sat.. should be fun.. and I plan to cat sit Bob's cats.. cool cool... so ya things with money and jobs suck but I'm trying to get everything else sorted.. sigh such a strange time.. can't say it's bad..

New Job

I got a new job.. I'll work out in the recycling now.. More time to read, write and knit I hope.. Maybe get an Mp3 player too. Getting along very well with Fran these days.. good good. Not so much with Mom of course.. ba.. I thought things were good with Brendan but now he's not calling me back.. fuck.. it's never smooth with him.. I guess it's my fault for the whole dating him when I didn't want to thing.. boo.. ah well..
So I think that what I mean wen I say I hate my life is that I need a purpose.. I need a major goal..

Hiaerrrumph

rr. hgrmm rrrrrr..
sigh.. one of those days.. grey.. rain.. cold.. bla.. boo boo boo..
I'll get through this..
hope it was ok to aplly for that job today.. it was so rushed.. pies.. sigh.. whatever..
I'm depressed..

Firefly

soo I have a new love interest.. it's a TV show.. did not see that coming! It's soo good.. I try to remember the lines from it.. I think that's a problem with me.. There's soo much of my life I'd rather forget so remembering is soo hard.. My poor little brain.. Wht am I gonna do with this life.. god I feel so lost.. I like the show because they are people I'd want to know.. but they arn't real.. gorram! what am I gonna do?? no really.. what am I gonna do?? when I ask that question I think of killing myself and my eyes swell with tears.. I've been to counciling read the books.. gone on a trip.. I guess it's back to 12 step for me.. I mean what else has ever helped my stay out of drepression? addiction to men I guess.. but that's not good for me I don't think.. Maybe I should start hiking?? Lance and Nathan and Summer do.. they seem happy.. should I just copy them? role models and all??
PS I'll know I actually like Alex if I actually clean up my room.. well maybe I'll just know how ready or not ready I am.. stay humble right?